City’s state-of-the-art surveillance network reportedly captured everything except the information police were looking for
ST. LOUIS — After investing in a sprawling network of 383 license plate readers designed to identify vehicles traveling throughout the city, the St. Louis Metropolitan Police Department has reportedly turned to an even more advanced crime-fighting technology following a recent street takeover in the Bevo neighborhood:
Asking everybody on the internet if they recognize the car.
Police released surveillance images from the incident under a large “SEEKING INFORMATION” banner, asking residents to help identify vehicles and individuals involved.
The announcement immediately raised an obvious question among St. Louis residents:
“Wait… aren’t we being photographed every six blocks specifically so you don’t have to ask us this?”
According to sources, the department’s sophisticated network of automated cameras successfully recorded the suspect vehicle driving through St. Louis, determined that it was indeed a vehicle, and then apparently clocked out for the evening.
“People keep asking why 383 license plate readers couldn’t identify the plate,” said a SLMPD spokesperson. “That’s not really fair. Some of them were very busy reading other plates of people going to Ted Drewes.”
Investigators are now asking anyone who recognizes the vehicle in the photograph to contact police — especially residents who possess advanced investigative equipment such as Facebook and eyes.
City officials defended the license plate reader program, noting that the system has many valuable capabilities.
“The cameras can tell us when you drove to Schnucks, when you left Schnucks, which Schnucks you went to, how often you go to Schnucks, and whether you stopped at Walgreens afterward,” explained one fictional official. “Expecting them to identify a vehicle involved in an actual crime is frankly putting a lot of pressure on the technology.”
Meanwhile, investigators continue studying footage of the street takeover, during which crowds gathered in public streets while cars performed dangerous maneuvers, one car was set on fire, and medics were held at gunpoint.
“We’ve narrowed one suspect vehicle down to one with four wheels,” said another fictional investigator. “We’re making progress.”
Police are reportedly considering several upgrades to the system, including artificial intelligence, facial recognition and a revolutionary new feature that automatically enlarges photographs enough for officers to read the license plate.
Until then, SLMPD is asking citizens to examine the released images carefully.
Anyone recognizing the vehicle is encouraged to contact CrimeStoppers.
Anyone wondering what the other 382 license plate readers were doing that night is encouraged not to ask so many questions.
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