HEAVEN — In what legal scholars are calling the longest-running transparency dispute in recorded history, God Almighty has once again refused to identify the author of the New Testament’s Epistle to the Hebrews, despite repeated Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) requests filed by St. Louis Breaking News & World Report.
The latest refusal, delivered Tuesday through what appeared to be a burning bush outside the newsroom, marks the seventh time the Almighty has declined to disclose records pertaining to the mysterious authorship of the first-century document.
“This is an outrageous abuse of executive privilege,” declared Citizen K, Managing Editor of St. Louis Breaking. “We are talking about a document that has been in the public domain for nearly 2,000 years, and the Administration still refuses to tell us who wrote it.”
Biblical scholars have debated the authorship of Hebrews for centuries, with Paul, Barnabas, Apollos, Luke, and several other early Christians appearing on the list of suspects.
God, however, has steadfastly refused to confirm or deny any of them.
Heavenly Administration Cites National Security
According to sources familiar with the matter, the latest FOIA request was rejected by the Department of Divine Revelation, which cited “ongoing theological considerations, attorney-client privilege, and reasons beyond mortal comprehension.”
A heavenly spokesperson, speaking on condition of omniscience, defended the decision.
“The Lord works in mysterious ways,” the spokesperson said. “That includes document retention, classification procedures, and responses to media inquiries.”
When pressed about whether the author might have been the Apostle Paul, the spokesperson referred reporters to Deuteronomy 29:29: “The secret things belong unto the LORD our God.”
“That’s not an answer,” Citizen K responded. “That’s stonewalling with Scripture.”
Moses Also Refuses To Cooperate
Seeking to circumvent the administration’s refusal, St. Louis Breaking contacted several prominent biblical figures for comment.
Moses declined to be interviewed, explaining that he had already spent 40 years dealing with uncooperative government officials and had no desire to revisit the experience.
The Apostle Paul issued a statement through his attorney saying he had written enough letters already and would appreciate being left alone.
Apollos, another leading suspect, reportedly responded, “You’ll have to prove it.”
Martin Luther, who once suggested Apollos as a possible author, was unavailable for comment, having died in 1546.
Meanwhile, the Apostle Peter offered to discuss the matter but subsequently denied knowing anything about it three times.
St. Louis Breaking Threatens Legal Action
The newsroom has retained legal counsel and is considering filing suit in federal court to compel the release of all heavenly records relating to the epistle.
Constitutional attorneys caution, however, that the case faces significant jurisdictional obstacles.
“First, the Freedom of Information Act applies to federal agencies, not the Creator of the Universe,” explained one Washington attorney. “Second, we have been unable to locate a process server willing to deliver a subpoena to Heaven.”
Nevertheless, Citizen K remains undeterred.
“If the federal government can declassify documents about UFOs, surely God can tell us who wrote Hebrews,” he said. “We aren’t asking for the date of the Second Coming. We’re asking for a byline.”
White House Offers To Mediate
In a surprise development, President Donald Trump reportedly offered to intervene personally in the dispute.
“Nobody knows more about Hebrews than I do,” Trump said in an entirely fictional statement. “Great people, the Hebrews. Tremendous people. I’ve known many Hebrews. Some say I’m the most pro-Hebrew president in history.”
Asked whether he knew who wrote the epistle, Trump replied, “We’re looking at that very strongly. You’ll be hearing something in two weeks.”
Investigation Continues
Despite mounting pressure, God has given no indication that He intends to release the requested information.
A final communication from Heaven reportedly consisted of a single sentence:
“My ways are higher than your ways.” — Isaiah 55:9
Citizen K immediately filed an appeal, arguing that Isaiah 55:9 does not constitute a valid exemption under the Freedom of Information Act.
At press time, St. Louis Breaking was preparing an additional FOIA request seeking the identities of the unnamed wise men, the exact location of the Garden of Eden, and a complete accounting of what Jesus wrote in the dirt in John 8:6.
The administration has requested an extension until Judgment Day.
Citizen K is Managing Editor of St. Louis Breaking News & World Report — Your Trusted Local Source for Fake News.
Publisher’s Note: This article is satire. No actual FOIA requests have been submitted to Heaven, although our legal department is exploring the possibility.
