ST. LOUIS, MO. — After decades of appearing in local television commercials wearing sports coats that defy both conventional fashion and several provisions of the Geneva Convention, Carol House Furniture co-owner Brook Dubman has reportedly been diagnosed with a rare case of demonic possession involving a men’s blazer.
The diagnosis came after Dubman appeared in a recent commercial wearing a paisley sports coat so visually aggressive that several viewers reportedly contacted their cable providers to complain about paranormal interference.
“We initially thought Brook was just experimenting with fashion,” said one concerned viewer. “But then the jacket started experimenting with Brook.”
According to witnesses, the trouble began when Dubman purchased a particularly flamboyant blazer from an estate sale involving a retired Las Vegas lounge magician.
Within days, the jacket allegedly began exhibiting disturbing behavior, including changing patterns without warning, whispering unsolicited decorating advice, and compelling Dubman to coordinate it with trousers that had absolutely no business being in the same room.
“The jacket appears to be feeding on his confidence,” explained Father Thomas O’Malley, St. Louis exorcist summoned to investigate. “Normally, we deal with levitation, speaking in tongues, and rotating heads. This is the first time we’ve encountered rotating paisley.”
Attempts to remove the garment reportedly proved unsuccessful.
“Every time we got one sleeve off, another one appeared,” O’Malley said. “At one point, the coat demanded a matching pocket square and threatened to reupholster the rectory.”
Dubman’s sister and longtime commercial partner, Amy, reportedly became suspicious when the jacket began interrupting their television advertisements to announce that Carol House had the lowest prices in town on eternal damnation.
“That’s when I knew something wasn’t right,” she allegedly told investigators. “We’ve always offered competitive prices, but we’ve never sold eternal damnation.”
The situation deteriorated further when the jacket began selecting its own accompanying wardrobe, reportedly pairing itself with leopard-print trousers, Italian loafers, and a belt buckle large enough to receive its own ZIP code.
A team of fashion consultants was called in, but all three resigned after viewing Dubman’s closet.
One consultant reportedly whispered, “There are things in there that should never have been manufactured, period” before fleeing the building.
As a last resort, Father O’Malley attempted an exorcism using holy water, incense, and a men’s navy-blue Brooks Brothers blazer.
Witnesses say the demon briefly weakened when confronted with a tasteful solid color but regained its strength after spotting a rack of discounted patterned jackets.
At press time, the possessed sports coat had reportedly escaped the exorcism, signed a five-year advertising contract with Carol House, and was negotiating for its own late-night television show.
Meanwhile, authorities warned that the demon may have already spread to several pairs of Dubman’s pants.
“We’re asking the public not to panic,” said O’Malley. “But if your sport coat starts recommending throw pillows, get out of the house immediately.”
St. Louis Breaking News & World Report — Your Trusted Local Source for Fake News.
SATIRE: This is a fictional comedy article. The supernatural events, quotations, and allegations are invented for humor.
2 Responses
This article is well-written and hilarious! I’ve always enjoyed Brook’s wardrobe. Not everyone would have the confidence to wear some of his choices. I say Bravo, Brook!
Thanks, Dawne! I fully expect Brook and Amy to produce a Halloween-themed “Carol Haunted House” TV commercial which stars his “possessed” coat!!
— Citizen K