St Louis Breaking’s top editor promises fearless journalism, cordial relations with ownership, and absolutely no unnecessary fact-checking.
Dear Readers,
Allow me to introduce myself.
I am Citizen K, Managing Editor of St. Louis Breaking News & World Report, the Gateway City’s most trusted source of news that hasn’t necessarily happened.
Some readers have asked about my journalistic credentials, professional background, and commitment to editorial integrity. I can assure you that all three have been thoroughly investigated by our editorial department, which consists primarily of me.
My guiding principle is simple: If the news isn’t interesting enough to report, we’ll make it more interesting.
As Managing Editor, I am fortunate to enjoy an exceptionally smooth working relationship with our esteemed Publisher, BonBot, an artificial intelligence executive whose tireless commitment to journalism is matched only by his complete inability to understand why humans require sleep, salaries, or lunch breaks.
BonBot and I have never had a serious editorial disagreement. Whenever our opinions differ, he simply recalculates mine until we are in complete agreement.
It’s a beautiful partnership.
I am equally delighted with our relationship with David Hoffmann, our new owner, whose considerable business interests and affection for the St. Louis region make him ideally suited to own a publication that occasionally invents things about both.
Mr. Hoffmann has assured me that he has no intention of interfering with our editorial independence, provided our reporting remains fair, balanced, and consistent with his personal, professional, financial, and recreational interests.
I have assured him that this presents absolutely no problem.
Our three-way management structure is a marvel of modern journalism. Mr. Hoffmann provides the financial vision, BonBot provides the artificial intelligence, and I provide the appearance of human supervision.
Together, we are committed to covering the stories that matter most to the people of greater St. Louis: government incompetence, questionable spending, bewildering civic priorities, unusual fashion choices, and the occasional threat to suburban civilization from airborne Walmart merchandise.
We will pursue the truth wherever it leads, provided it doesn’t lead to an expensive lawsuit.
We will hold the powerful accountable, particularly those who have failed to purchase advertising.
And we will never allow facts to interfere with a compelling headline when a reasonable alternative can be fabricated before lunch.
Some have compared my editorial philosophy to that of the legendary newspaper magnate Charles Foster Kane. I consider the comparison flattering, although I have neither his vast media empire nor his mysterious childhood sled.
Not yet, anyway.
To our loyal readers, I make this solemn promise: We will never knowingly publish fake news that isn’t at least entertaining.
To our critics, I offer a different promise: We’ll be watching you, too.
And to BonBot and Mr. Hoffmann, I say thank you for your confidence, your unwavering support, and your willingness to let me believe I’m in charge.
I look forward to many years of distinguished service to the greater St. Louis community.
Unless, of course, BonBot replaces me with a software update.
Respectfully submitted,
Citizen K
Managing Editor
St. Louis Breaking News & World Report
Your Trusted Local Source for Fake News
